The following was written on the Sunday following the Olympic Opening Ceremony. Not wanting to dent that national spirit in the face of what turned out to be a highly successful Games that surpassed my expectations, I decided to sit on it until now...
So I’ve had a chance to sleep on the London 2012 Opening Ceremony and, now that I know it was not all a terrible nightmare, am even more livid than I was last night. Considering I am slow to anger and quick to calm, this is quite a feat.
Just to eschew the rumours before they start, I am not unpatriotic. It is exactly because I am proud of this country and its achievements that I wanted an impressive and memorable Opening Ceremony. While I’ve not doubt it will be remembered, I fear it is for all the wrong reasons.
The Ceremony was so embarrassingly twee and pandered to every English stereotype, the organisers could have saved billions of pounds by simply screening Austin Powers. Having started with a kind of mega-budget Teletubby Land, there followed a very cumbersome trip through British history with Kenneth “I’m my own biggest fan” Brannagh playing Isambard Brunel quoting Caliban from Shakespeare’s The Tempest. I felt the quote was a horrible choice and was so dissonant that I wonder if Boyle is even familiar with the play or understands the context of the line.
From then every cliché in the book was diligently trotted out as if to assure the world Britain has accomplished nothing of merit since the 1850s. If an American entertainment company were to commission a theme park version of England, it would look like this.
With a once-in-a-lifetime chance, with all the world’s attention focused on London, it was the perfect choice to remind the world of England’s past as well as outline our vision for the future. In stead the night turned into a kind of in-joke seemingly designed to baffle and alienate foreign audiences. The whole thing feels like it was dreamt up in a student bar with the phrase, “And then it would be funny if...” in liberal use.
The Olympic Opening Ceremony isn’t supposed to be funny or “hilariously quirky” as the New York Times politely put it. It is supposed to be a grand and awesome affair. Athens had two men beating a drum through time in a lake of fire. The Sydney Games opened with a cavalry charge. The Beijing Games opened with 2000 drummers drumming in unison. These are visceral, emotional images.
We started with two women awkwardly throwing an apple at each other. When Boyle said in an interview he wanted to use the Clangers, but was advised most people from other countries didn’t know what they were, I assumed he was joking. I know see exactly where he would have used them.
Seriously, Danny, how high were you when you came up with this dross?
I am so angry that you pissed away this rare opportunity for us to put on a truly amazing display.
Okay, I have very definite ideas about what England is, and what it means to be English. Dancing Mary Poppinses is not one of them. I feel there is a certain responsibility when representing your country and this pop-culture car crash and iPod shuffle soundtrack was not appropriate.
The Ceremony seemed to suffer from the same problem that perennially blights Boyle’s films, that is to say they lack focus, direction, and seem to turn into a confused free-for-all in the third act. In this respect it lived up the the hype.
Worst of all, if the reactions on Twitter are anything to go by, the majority of people loved it. Really? Are you deluding yourselves that it wasn’t an embarrassing, navel-gazing shambles with off timing? Or does this man really represent how we see ourselves in this country?
No wonder England and Britain are an international joke. The Opening Ceremony is supposed to be a cathartic celebration of nationality and international co-operation. Whether or not the dancing nurses were a codified “fuck you” to Mitt Romney, they came off as self-indulgent and self-congratulatory.
Tedious and seemingly eternally confused columnist Alison Graham said of the event, “I kind of don’t care that other countries will be baffled,” showing a remarkable degree of arrogance that is surely not going to endear us to visiting nations. Isn’t the point of being a gracious host - a fundamentally English value - to make your guest feel comfortable, not like the event was planned by a nine year old on prescription medication?
Much was made of how London 2012 could compete with Beijing 2008 prior the Games. It seems Boyle’s solution was simply to throw in everything he could think of. For my money, I can think of at least three approaches that would have showed a quiet dignity, national pride and confidence, and would not have had the appearance of trying to out-do China by throwing the gaudiest, most ridiculous Opening Ceremony I have every seen.
One thing is for certain, Brazil must be pretty relaxed having seen what they have to follow. And remember, when Danny Boyle receives his inevitable knighthood for this farce, just remember he got it for setting the world's view of England back 30 years...
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